My Truth and My 50th Birthday

How well do you know anybody these days? In the days of social media and less real-life communications, can you say you the person rather than the facade? I started thinking about this at the end of my birthday when I originally wanted to post the following: Thanks for the posts. I needed them because today really stunk. Then I thought, I am not really in the mood to hear a pep talk because I'm just feeling some kind of way and will be over it soon so I posted nothing.

I began to realize that we are so used to seeing only the great part of people's lives because who actually puts bad stuff? I'm pretty much what you see is true, but I must add that I also don't let everyone see all of me. I don't know why I felt the need to change that, but I wrote this explanation. If you read it, I hope you'll understand from where I'm coming. If you don't, cool. 

In a world where we questioning and truth no longer seem to matter, let me say that things aren't always what they seem. I will tell you my struggles and my heart in an effort to do away with pretense so I'm going to tell you my "secrets".

What most people see-I'm a person who will try most anything. I have a rule that I must go somewhere different and try something that makes me uncomfortable each year. I've parasailed, flown in a helicopter, and ridden in a hot air balloon across the Rio Grande Valley. I've done most things on my bucket list. 

The truth behind it-I'm terrified way more than I am calm. I made the rule because I started life with so much fear, causing more regrets than I could count. I threw up and got sick before I did any of it. I'm scared of heights, scared of being out of control, and scared of failure. I'm scared a lot.

What most people see- I'm chatty, and I'll be the first person speak to a stranger and ask a question. 

The truth behind it-I'm an introvert who gets nervous or sick anytime I walk into a crowd, including church, faculty meetings, parties, you name it. I don't speak in front of crowds. When I cannot get out of it, I do it because I need to keep my job and not be a hermit.

What most people see-I'm a person who is fiercely independent. I don't like to ask for help. I handle my own and take care of those for whom I care the most. 

The truth behind it-I need people. The past wreaked havoc on my trust. Many have broken my heart by leaving my life as easily as they came. I have depended on someone who dropped the ball rather than fulfilled their job and ended up having to kill myself to fix it. Rather than face that fear, I just "don't need people". 

What most people see-I'm a strong woman who powers through hard times and comes out on the other side a bit tougher than I began. 

The truth behind it-I'm a runner whose first thought is get me out of here. I don't like to face things so I go away and hope it handles itself. (Spoiler alert: It rarely does.) 

What most people see-I'm a believer in the fact that God is in control, and He knows what's best. 

The truth behind it-I am the biggest of sinners, and I fail at this every single day. I DO know that He is in control and knows what's best; however, my actions do not always jive with that idea. That is why I pray but have to fight the urge to fix it my way. It is a constant battle. 

Although I constantly challenge myself, it has gotten no easier. It's terrifying that I can not navigate the outcome of everything, yet I'm glad because He really does know better than me-PTL. I could genuinely stay in my house and read a good book forever. I have learned that my regrets most often involve the things I was too scared to try so I FORCE myself to take the first step and pray through it. I'm clear that people are human nor are they me so they will not do everything as I would. That's a blessing. Learning from those around me makes me a better human. I can't do everything myself so I've realized that I can control only myself. I answer only to Him. I've learned that I have to run a minute to clear my head and process, but now I come back and face the challenges because He will make a way. Many times He will do it through people that I didn't know I needed and who chose to be there for me even when I didn't make it easy. Most importantly, I've come to realize that God made me who I am for a reason. I am confident in that even when I am not sure of myself. 

It's okay to not be okay, but it's not okay to dig down into the mire and stay there. He will help me out of it, walk me through it, and use me for it so I hope you will understand why I needed to say the following: 

I am that one crazy person who gets really excited about a birthday. I woke up wanting to see what my 50th had in store for me. Truthfully, it was a terrible, awful, sad, and lonely day. I missed my daddy so much I could have cried for days. I am trying to love on my mama during a time that is hard for all of us. My heart felt a bit shattered by someone who I expected to do better. It was one thing after another and not at all what I wanted or expected; however, I walked into the house to a husband that loves me and knew what to do and a puppy to cuddle me through the yucky. As I sat in my pity party, unable to answer a call or do a thing, I could say this: I was blessed with a family that was meant for me, and I learned so much from my pop about how to be a good person. I asked for a summer of time with those I love, experiencing life together. For the most part I have done so, and I am so very grateful. 

My last thought for the day goes along with my realization of making 50 count. Life is short. Count your blessings. Love your people. Thank the savior. 

I'm attaching pictures of my birthday a year ago. It made me sad for a moment, but then I realized how lucky I was to get to do this life with these parents. 

Making 50 Count

When I was a little girl, I thought fifty was SO old. Now I think to myself, "When did that much time pass?!" My brain doesn't feel fifty (technically I still have a month to go), but oh how my body does. Whew. I should have listened when they said to take good care of it. Aging is no joke! 

I'm one of those odd ducks who finds happiness in birthdays. I look back over my life, and that of my family, and I'm just thankful the Lord has blessed me with another year of life so I CELEBRATE. I adore birthdays, and I do my best to make them special for people because they are the only days that are just about them.  

The last year or two created adversity for everyone, and our family did not escape the reality of Covid, death, disease, or anything else that came our way. Pain and suffering are part of life, and it stinks-truly. It would be easy to build up a wall in an effort to keep it out; however, that same wall keeps out the good things as well. That's just not the plan God has for any of us. He uses it all for His glory and our good. We've seen that so many times in our family, and I'm thankful for those blessings. 

A long time ago I made a rule to do something from my bucket list, visit somewhere new, and try something different every year. It was a great rule, and it has pushed me out of my comfort zone. I highly recommend it. One item on my bucket list is to hit all 50 states by the time I'm 60. I'm working on that list a lot this summer. In the process, I'm spending time with my people and getting together with those I haven't seen in a while. Life is too short to waste time or to have regrets. I have never regretted the things I have done quite like those I've been afraid to try-whether it's the fear of failure, of not having enough money, or doing something uncomfortable. 

So far, I have visited with my college peeps and sang my heart out as we relived old times, picked strawberries with the grandkids, swam and played in the lake with them, let the kids paint all over the walls in the house so I'd be forced to repaint it, redocorated (and again), taken care of my mama when she was sick, played with the dogs a lot, and drove to Minnesota to see my first baby get married to the love of his life and meet tons of new friends there. While there I got to party it up at such a fun wedding, visit St. Paul, and spend extra time with one of my favorite people. I stopped at the Field of Dreams in Iowa and "ran across" to Indianapolis to meet up with my girl, Lil Beth:), enjoying fabulous food, cool sites, and better company. 

I tell you all of that because along the way I find so many people that tell me a hundred reasons why they can't do this or that. Yes, it can be difficult to make some things work; however, you do what you really want to do. The people in your life are worth it. The memories are irreplaceable. Expanding your circle of life is incredible. Life really is too short. I have known this for a long time, but this year has reminded me again. Don't put it off. Make it count. 

They Say Things Happen in Threes

"They" say it. I'm not sure who they are, but I've heard it all of my life. Losing my daddy was hard, and I'm not sure you can ever be prepared for that. Still, we knew it was coming, had at least a little time to prepare for it, and got to say goodbye. 

Though we all struggle because we miss him, we are trying to muscle our way through each day and figure out this new existence. Just about the time we began setting into it all, the second thing happened. 

Rodney went to grab something for Mama and me to eat, and when he came back he just stood in the doorway and looked at me. I knew something wasn't right, and I just watched his face. After a moment or two I asked him what happened. He had the weirdest look on his face when he began telling me, all the while I'm searching it to find the answer. Finally, he broke down crying, sobbing really, and said that Pam called and said Danny D'Armond died. He just kept saying, "He was my brother." 

I guess to understand a blow like this, you'd have to really get those people in your life who weren't born into your family but just are...your family. I've known about the D'Armonds since Rodney came into my life. He's literally known Danny for his entire life, and he has loved him like a little brother since. On January 9, 2021, this 38-year-old, father (of two) unexpectantly went to be with the Lord. I had no words because how do you make that be okay?! We just had to love on his parents because there wasn't a thing to say except he was celebrating with Jesus, and maybe he found my daddy and Uncle Jerry for the big game. 

On the following Monday, I had a meeting with my boss. He asked how things were going, and I told him the truth...things have been better. He, of course, knew about my dad. I filled him in on Danny. I told him I felt a little yucky, just needed rest. I made that comment then. The "They say things happen in threes" comment. We both smiled and said, yeah, hopefully not. 

I had been gone from his office for about an hour when I reallllly started feeling terrible. I had chills and thought, weird. I rarely ever do that so I better check it out. By the end of the day, my fever had come full on. I left ASAP, and I tested positive for the Rona the following day...right after Rodney did the day before. I contacted my boss, who said what I hoped to be true when he said maybe this would be my third thing. 

We got my mom out of here as fast as possible in a way that would protect her and others who are near her. (Please pray it continues to stay at bay. ) We went about the business of feeling like crap, fighting fevers and pain so bad I actually screamed. I'm a pretty tough cookie so it wasn't fun. I would get up and eat something, drink fluids, take meds, and sleep again, occasionally answering a text or two. 

Then a couple of nights later, I got a message from one of my oldest, dearest friends. It was most definitely by the grace of God that I even woke up and had a coherent conversation. When we were in high school, we were a pretty tight circle of friends who were mostly related except me. Three of them were cousins, and they had amazing family that let me be a part of their world. Michelle and John both took me to meet, then later visit with Uncle Terry, Aunt Lynn, and my bestest buddy in the world, Sir Brad. Some of my very best memories from that time in my life involved them-even without Michelle and John. Sometimes it was just us and a hot tub and a wish-ha! (IYKYK)

I married my ex in 1997, and it wasn't too long after that I found myself in that little church at a funeral I wasn't prepared to attend when Brad went to be with the Lord. He was Uncle Terry and Aunt Lynn's world, and I remember thinking it was one of the crappiest things because he was joy and light all of the time, mixed with a little bit of spit fire. I guess, in retrospect, he was a lot like Lynn because that's how I always saw her. 

For a while, I got to see her a decent amount. As the years went by that happened less, but any time I got a message, sent a message, ran into her, etc., it was like time had stood still and nothing changed. She was still all of those things. Every time I asked John about her, it was kinda the same. She and Uncle Terry were amazing parents and an amazing couple. 

So when John got in touch with me, I was certainly not expecting to hear that Aunt Lynn had passed away. It was Covid, and it was fast. Shocked doesn't adequately describe how I felt so I could only imagine what they were all feeling. 

I would give anything if that Monday was "my third" rather than this. It's made me think about the last few months. I guess it's all about perception because there have been so many things. Each time I think that surely we, and those we know and love, are going to have a break, then something unexpected and hard happens. When my daddy died, we were dealing with his funeral and found out that one of our childhood adopted grandmother's passed away as well. Mae Todd was a beautiful soul who made our childhood a little more special. It wasn't too long before Pop that we learned of Dennis Smith, another childhood memory-SUCH an amazing, fun dad who was taken unexpectedly due to Covid. There are more friends who have lost loved ones while others are going through a different kind of tragedy as their lives are upended in different ways. Throw in the state of our nation, and we are so far beyond the threes. I think we put things in different places in our brains so that we can deal with them all. 

Here's the thing: I keep having to remind myself that this is no surprise to the Father. It is to me, but it never is to Him. My life's verse is Matt. 11:28-30. You'd think that would be enough to keep my thoughts in check, and better yet...my exhaustion in check. He wants to carry it if we but let Him. 

So I'm giving it as a gift to you all. Take the verse. Give the burdens. 

Matthew 11: 28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Here's a link to Danny's obituary. Please considered contributing to the Go Fund Me for his kids' college fund. Obituary for Daniel Scott D'Armond | Currie-Jefferson Funeral Home

Her Life and How She Helped Save Mine

On September 21, 2018 my aunt passed away. I didn't post anything about it because I just wanted some time to process it all. It had only been 28 days since MawMaw passed away. To be honest, it didn't feel like it had been very long since Nannie Johnson, Uncle Jerry, and Ms. Jeanne passed away either, but they have been gone since last year. I find myself missing them all for so many different reasons, but most of all I miss what they represented in my life. Death and the passing of time. Both inevitable, but I feel as though together they tend to wash over the reality of the human experience. I don't even know if that really makes any sense or not. I'm just swirling things around in my brain. When I was younger, I saw things in black or white and never stopped to think that most things aren't that cut and dry. I looked at people as either good or bad, and it was beyond my innocence that someone I loved so much could ever make mistakes and hurt or disappoint me. That's not really true at all, and the only way to understand that is through difficult experiences. This brings me to her. I honestly don't remember much about her from when I was really young. I can recall moments like when she and her husband came to visit my grandparents and all of the family making their way to see her since she was in town. I remember her interest in some of the old places around Holly Pond. I have vague recollections of a story being told in which she sat on a car and refused to move off of it because a family member said don't let them take it. Maybe I have that all wrong. Time tends to distort things. I heard tale of a time when she surprised her sisters with a pretty fancy trip to NOLA, funded by her innate stubbornness. As I grew up and became a little more aware of the inner workings of family, I didn't much care for the things I heard. I didn't want to believe that she was as cutting as was reported. Nor did I care to acknowledge the times that she was so bound and determine to to "win" at something that she would behave terribly in the process. I couldn't reconcile all of those images into one person. I didn't really understand her, and I wasn't quite sure what to make of her. I kept a little distance, until I didn't. Again, I don't remember the exact moment that things changed between us, but I'm pretty sure it was when she realized that something had changed in me. It wasn't a particularly good thing either. When people you trust hurt you, it is dang near impossible to trust again but by the grace of God. I wasn't really thinking about that at the time. Growing up there was a big discrepancy between who I was and who people thought I was (with a few exceptions). Most people saw me as a much more confident person, completely able to fit in and handle whatever. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I never felt okay or like I fit in. I always felt like an outsider, and I'm sure that the majority of it is my own fault; however, to a teenager your perspective is really all that matters because it's the lens through which you see life. Multiple things happened that I wouldn't want anyone to have to experience, and I became a pretty angry person lashing out a good bit. I mean, I covered it pretty well most of the time but found myself making some choices that weren't exactly beneficial to my life. It's kind of like I needed to prove I was tough and independent and unafraid and whole when it was really the opposite. I found myself trying to fill up a hole that I could never begin to finish. Sometimes I would catch her watching me when I said or did crazy things. It made me feel strangely uncomfortable and safe at the same time. She began inserting herself into my life in random ways. It was sometimes a walk around the homestead while other times it was a run to the store. In particular, there was this one time where I somehow ended up taking her to the airport to fly back home. She asked me then if I would come to Pasadena to visit. I did. I began a series of trips to see her. Even when she was still married, she managed to make time for just us. More than anything else, she listened. She would occasionally say something simple, timely, and right to the heart of the matter. However, she never made accusations or judgments. She called out some things that I didn't want to see, but she made me face them. I was in a bad place even more so than I was willing to admit. She saw right through me, and she kept loving me anyway. When there wasn't anybody in the world who knew everything there was to know, she did. When I needed someone to just listen, she did. When I asked for time alone, she knew I needed it so she gave it. But she didn't let me go. She sent cards, called me, and allowed me to spend a lot of time with her. Years later I would have to see a side of her that I didn't exactly want to see, and it was when I was going through my divorce. She said a couple of things that cut me, and I think it was because I had never felt judged by her until that moment. It was hard for me to deal with it, but that's when I realized that people are a mixed bag. If you wait on perfection from anyone, you will find yourself in a very lonely place. I could choose to remember the difficult moments, but what good would that do? When I needed saving from the human perspective, God put her there for a reason, and I am so thankful He did. I am forever grateful and always a little emptier because she's no longer with us.

The Ramblings of a Reasonable Mind-the Things We Take at Face Value

Almost on a daily basis now, I am amazed at what we just accept-from FB, from news, from politicians, or from friends. In the last few weeks, it has blown my mind. I've just started looking at them and shaking my head.

Number one on that list...banning plastic straws. People. Really. Let's reality check a couple of things.

1. Where did this all start, and where did the number of straws being dangerous to the environment come from? a 9 year old who called and asked plastic manufacturers. No scientific research. https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/the-new-york-times-sources-a-9-year-old-child-to-peddle-fear-of-drinking-straws
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/19/business/plastic-straws-ban-fact-check-nyt.html

2. It will not have the impact many claim. https://youtu.be/kTrECOS4fzU

3. Starbucks replaced a recyclable straw with a bigger, recyclable lid-the end result...more plastic used. Good job. Oh, and let's not forget the other plastics they use, to cover the non plastic things.



Common sense, people!!

and thiis is only one.tiny.part. It's too much.

Thankful for My Public Servants and My America

In light of the events that unfolded throughout last night and this morning, I find it imperative to speak out.

First of all, I want to speak to all men and women who serve the United States of America in any capacity of protection, I thank you. This includes the armed forces, the fire community, the police community, and the few public servants who actually want to make things better in our country. Your selflessness motivates us as you leave your families every single day to make sure the country you love is safe. Your courage inspires us as you move toward danger when most people run away from it. Your steadfastness impresses us as you continue to do your job when times grow increasingly dangerous. This mom, teacher, daughter, wife, and friend appreciates you, and I commit to you to use my words to encourage you and to teach those around me to respect you and the job you do. 

Second of all, I want to speak to those who are pro-Black Lives Matter. I am a Constitutionalist and believe in the first amendment. I am also a teacher who believes in a culture of learning and informing myself on the truth. I am a lover of common sense, which is fast becoming a super power in our society. With that said, before you support a cause because you are caught up in emotions, take time to educate yourself on that cause. Start by reading the Constitution. It established a government that was meant to protect those rights for all people. (Yes, there was initially slavery. Look at the real history of how that started in America and how the majority of the founders worked to eradicate it.) Protest the things that you abhor. Know who you are electing so that you have representatives for you and your causes. VOTE. America was built on these ideas and the notion that we are reasonable people who can listen to each other and change the things. Black Lives Matter is backed by many divisive people whose goal it is to chip away at the American Spirit. If you don't believe me, check it out yourself. Start by looking at who is backing it. Then look at their background-specifically George Soros. Then, know those who wish to destroy the American way are encouraging this racial divide. Isis has clearly stated that they are here, stirring the pot of discord. Here is a link to one of many articles in their publications. Two of my favorite Martin Luther King, Jr quotes are appropriate here. "Let no man pull you so low as to hate him" and "The reason that I cannot follow the old eye-for-an-eye philosophy is that it ends up leaving everyone blind". All lives matter as do all views, and there should be no criticism extended to those who say that. If you want things to be different, start by listening to each other, working to reach your representatives, and changing the rhetoric that comes from your mouth-especially in your own home. 

Third of all, I want to speak to and about Christian Americans. We were built on Christian principles. We just were. Study history. It's in the Declaration of Independence. "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed," This means that as Christians we believe that ALL people are created equal, and we should behave as such. The Founders acknowledged that only the Creator can give or take away those rights and that as free people WE give the government the power to keep us that way. As a Christian American I would like to say that I am exhausted with everyone else being allowed to speak and live their beliefs, but we have sat back for too long while the very fabric of our country has been unraveled. For non-Christians, understand that true Christians will tell you their beliefs because they want you to live in freedom and know the peace that comes from knowing the Creator, but they will not force it upon you as many who are not Christians will do. They understand the Constitution was designed around the ideals, morals, and spirit of the Christian faith, but they know that religion is not the same as government and allow you to live your life without fear of repercussions as long as you don't impede their right to do the same. 

Finally, I want to speak to all Americans. Ronald Reagan is often quoted when reminding us of the danger we face of America falling, not only from outside forces but also from within our own borders. Last night's tragedy brings that to light as much as any other in recent history. As a people, we need to love and support each other. My beliefs dictate how I act and live my life, but I don't pretend that I can tell you how to live yours. And when anyone infringes on your rights as an American citizen, I will stand with you. If anyone comes to take you down because of your religion, your thoughts, or your beliefs, I will take up arms and defend you against those people because you are an American citizen. We are family, and that is what we do. If I stand by and do nothing, I am just as accountable for those wrongs. If I stand by and let them hurt others, who will be left to stand when they come for me? Family can disagree and SHOULD hold each other accountable when wrongs are done, but at the end of the day we still have each other's back. Together, we are stronger.

It's time for a change, and it starts with you and me rather than the government. John F. Kennedy said, "Let us not seek the Republican answer or the Democratic answer, but the right answer. Let us not seek to fix the blame for the past. Let us accept our own responsibility for the future." 

The Ramblings of a Praying Friend

Today as I prayed for our country and the future we are passing down to our children, the friends of mine that are hurting so deeply, and the prayer lists I commit to pray over, I struggled a moment because I longed for the innocence that goes along with being young. It was kind of nice to have no real worries and to be (for the most part) oblivious to much of what was going on in the world. Don't get me wrong. I had my share of troubles, but children have a resilience that is unmatched.

Being an adult is an exhausting, and being an adult striving to raise my daughter to love the Lord in a world that seems to be going crazy is virtually impossible if I let it overwhelm me. I struggle every.single.day; however, my biggest struggle is allowing the Lord to take and keep control of my life. Loss of control is a fear of mine for more reasons than I care to admit, but it is a pointless fear because we all know that life rarely works out as we plan. We can't see the big picture. We sometimes feel trapped in pain and exhaustion and see no way out, which is the crazy part when you think about it. The Creator of it all knows it all, and who better to guide you out of a maze of brokenness than the one who can see the end? I know this, but still I struggle some days.

Hatred, violence, and anger have been filling the airwaves, and I see hurting people all over the television. If that isn't enough, I am praying for friends who are seriously struggling with some issues that just don't make sense. Some are dealing with the pain of divorce and hurting children. Some are dealing with illness or the illness of a child or parent. Some are dealing with what seems to be a senseless death that came all too soon. I don't have words to fix it for them or the power to take away the suffering they are experiencing.

I remember in the times that have been the hardest for my own family...the wreck, the divorce, the disease, the death...the most powerful things that were done for us were the little things and the biggest thing-prayer. The little things weren't little at all. They were the phone calls that came to see if we just needed a laugh. They were the puzzles for me to put together just to stay awake for that visit. They were the drop by's when things had gone back to normal for everybody else. They were a million other little things that weren't little at all. So let me encourage you to think of someone in your life that has been dealing with something, and then to take a moment to send a note, take them to dinner, drop by to see them. Those little things are sometimes quite the lifesaver.

Then, pray. Pray for their pain and suffering to ease. Pray the right people come in their lives to make a difference. Pray their hearts catch up to their minds and remember that God is in control even when our hearts struggle to understand it. Pray they find peace in the midst of the trials and that they remember that weeping lasts for the night, but joy really does come in the morning. Pray that you are the friend you need to be to them.

Finally, I want to share what popped into my head tonight. I don't believe it was by accident. About a year or so after the wreck, two songs came out on Christian radio that greatly impacted me. They were like little gifts that reminded me that God is bigger and wiser than anything I could ever pretend to be. I ended up singing one of them at church a couple of times, which is miraculous in itself since that's such a fear of mine. But...they helped again today. If you have time, you should listen. It's good stuff.
He Is Able-Truth
and this one was originally by Tim Shepard, but I can't find his version so I found Babbie Mason's Trust His Heart