Her Life and How She Helped Save Mine

On September 21, 2018 my aunt passed away. I didn't post anything about it because I just wanted some time to process it all. It had only been 28 days since MawMaw passed away. To be honest, it didn't feel like it had been very long since Nannie Johnson, Uncle Jerry, and Ms. Jeanne passed away either, but they have been gone since last year. I find myself missing them all for so many different reasons, but most of all I miss what they represented in my life. Death and the passing of time. Both inevitable, but I feel as though together they tend to wash over the reality of the human experience. I don't even know if that really makes any sense or not. I'm just swirling things around in my brain. When I was younger, I saw things in black or white and never stopped to think that most things aren't that cut and dry. I looked at people as either good or bad, and it was beyond my innocence that someone I loved so much could ever make mistakes and hurt or disappoint me. That's not really true at all, and the only way to understand that is through difficult experiences. This brings me to her. I honestly don't remember much about her from when I was really young. I can recall moments like when she and her husband came to visit my grandparents and all of the family making their way to see her since she was in town. I remember her interest in some of the old places around Holly Pond. I have vague recollections of a story being told in which she sat on a car and refused to move off of it because a family member said don't let them take it. Maybe I have that all wrong. Time tends to distort things. I heard tale of a time when she surprised her sisters with a pretty fancy trip to NOLA, funded by her innate stubbornness. As I grew up and became a little more aware of the inner workings of family, I didn't much care for the things I heard. I didn't want to believe that she was as cutting as was reported. Nor did I care to acknowledge the times that she was so bound and determine to to "win" at something that she would behave terribly in the process. I couldn't reconcile all of those images into one person. I didn't really understand her, and I wasn't quite sure what to make of her. I kept a little distance, until I didn't. Again, I don't remember the exact moment that things changed between us, but I'm pretty sure it was when she realized that something had changed in me. It wasn't a particularly good thing either. When people you trust hurt you, it is dang near impossible to trust again but by the grace of God. I wasn't really thinking about that at the time. Growing up there was a big discrepancy between who I was and who people thought I was (with a few exceptions). Most people saw me as a much more confident person, completely able to fit in and handle whatever. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I never felt okay or like I fit in. I always felt like an outsider, and I'm sure that the majority of it is my own fault; however, to a teenager your perspective is really all that matters because it's the lens through which you see life. Multiple things happened that I wouldn't want anyone to have to experience, and I became a pretty angry person lashing out a good bit. I mean, I covered it pretty well most of the time but found myself making some choices that weren't exactly beneficial to my life. It's kind of like I needed to prove I was tough and independent and unafraid and whole when it was really the opposite. I found myself trying to fill up a hole that I could never begin to finish. Sometimes I would catch her watching me when I said or did crazy things. It made me feel strangely uncomfortable and safe at the same time. She began inserting herself into my life in random ways. It was sometimes a walk around the homestead while other times it was a run to the store. In particular, there was this one time where I somehow ended up taking her to the airport to fly back home. She asked me then if I would come to Pasadena to visit. I did. I began a series of trips to see her. Even when she was still married, she managed to make time for just us. More than anything else, she listened. She would occasionally say something simple, timely, and right to the heart of the matter. However, she never made accusations or judgments. She called out some things that I didn't want to see, but she made me face them. I was in a bad place even more so than I was willing to admit. She saw right through me, and she kept loving me anyway. When there wasn't anybody in the world who knew everything there was to know, she did. When I needed someone to just listen, she did. When I asked for time alone, she knew I needed it so she gave it. But she didn't let me go. She sent cards, called me, and allowed me to spend a lot of time with her. Years later I would have to see a side of her that I didn't exactly want to see, and it was when I was going through my divorce. She said a couple of things that cut me, and I think it was because I had never felt judged by her until that moment. It was hard for me to deal with it, but that's when I realized that people are a mixed bag. If you wait on perfection from anyone, you will find yourself in a very lonely place. I could choose to remember the difficult moments, but what good would that do? When I needed saving from the human perspective, God put her there for a reason, and I am so thankful He did. I am forever grateful and always a little emptier because she's no longer with us.