Unanswered Prayers

When I was introduced to Garth Brooks, I instantly loved him. Maybe it was because of his voice. Maybe it was because of his cutting-edge videos. Maybe it was because of the cute boy who introduced his music to me. In any case, his lyrics were apropos of life, and I was there for it. Lately I've been revisiting my old playlist, and Unanswered Prayers played through the Bluetooth. During those high school years, I thought I understood the truth of that most famous line. I mean, I remember being impressed by the depth of it. I had no idea what was coming or how the truth of it would mark my life. Listening to it now, after the last few years of life, just hits different. Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

For as long as I can remember, my parents taught me the benevolence of God. Everything was always for my good and His glory. I heard it. I even believed it, as much as I could have. I just didn't understand it. I prayed long before I really even understood the significance of prayer, and I asked for things. Sometimes they were simple, seemingly easy things like praying for a puppy or a toy I wanted. Others were more complex and selfless than that. 

As I grew older, my relationship with the Father changed again and again. I wish I could say I listened when I should, learned from others, and lived out what I'd been taught without making things harder for myself. That would have been nice. For a really long time, my beliefs were tentative at best. I questioned everything about who I believed God to be. Why didn't God answer my prayers? Why did He leave me, waiting? Frustration and anger informed too many of my choices, creating a host of problems for which I felt a lot of guilt. All because He didn't answer. I thought He didn't care. But...Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. 

There were good prayers, spoken in earnest. I prayed for the relationship I had with a really good guy. I prayed for the healing of my brother after his wreck and asked that he be made whole. I prayed for a specific job, and it was a good one. Instead of feeling answered, I felt silence. 

I prayed that Alzheimer's would be taken from our family. I prayed for friends who were struggling to have a child. I remember walking out of St. Vincent's Hospital after a devastating loss and hitting my knees, begging for Him to heal my body, take my pain, and give me what I wanted. I prayed for the Lord to take away the disease from my daddy. In more recent years, I prayed for healing of relationships. 

These were all very good, noble prayers. But...Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

Over the last couple of weeks, the Lord has shown me so many answers that I missed because I put Him into a box. I expected Him to answer according to my plan, not His. My humanity did not allow me to see what He sees. He is God the Father. He is omniscient, and I. Am. Not. 

You see, that guy? He wasn't for me, and he met someone amazing and became an incredible man. My friends were blessed with the most precious baby that would not have been theirs if they had a biological child. My brother's healing came in a different form than I'd imagine, and his story has touched so many lives. The job I didn't get led me to a place in another city where I met some of the most precious souls I have ever known. As a result, two families poured into me at just the right time. 

I could not see it. 

The children for whom I prayed are given to me year after year, and I get to pour into them with a deeper capacity than I would have known had I been answered in the way I prayed. Daddy's diagnosis meant he would live 3-5 years. He lived 15 more, and the healing came in the form of appreciation of life and preparation for my mom. He wasted no time. None. Perhaps the greatest realization came in the last few weeks when I was gifted the knowledge that one loss brought about a greater healing in my life. 

I could not see it then. I see it now, and I am grateful, blessed, and reminded. He is a good, good Father who knows what the future holds. He has a plan that I may never understand, but I don't have to understand it. I just have to remember that all things work for our good and His glory. 

While my life is messy and complicated and all of the things, it is also beautiful and full and incredible. I'm still standing, hand in hand with the family that matters, friends that are family, and a Father who knows what's best for me. I appreciate life and do my best to live it to the fullest, though some might say it's a little too full. :) I'm thankful for His unanswered prayers. 

The Importance of Finding Actual Facts: Covid/Gain of Function Edition

    The teacher in me gets so very exhausted with the fact that the majority of Americans have stopped using their brains and capacity to reason through things, as well as stopped being able to recongnize propaganda (from the majority of politicians) and research what lies beyond what you see on the media. This has led to such a chaotic, non-informed or ill-informed, or hateful state of being in our country that it literally sickens me. Truly. 

    Please do not mistake me for someone who is on a particular "side" because I absolutely am not, unless you want to put me on the side of truth. I most definitely do not believe that we "all have/speak our truth." Truth is truth. I'm cool with you speaking your opinion, and you should be cool with me speaking mine. Our experience informs our beliefs. I get that. That is a very different thing than we all have our own truth. Perspectives, yes. Truth, nope. But, I digress. 

    Teaching propaganda is in my curriculum. It's interesting to me that my students seem to be able to spot the tactics more easily than my adult friends. I don't know why this is the case so I can only speculate that it's because they are at least a little more protected from the cancellation that occurs when you question things or when you speak your opinion, in my room anyway. My rule is that you can argue anything you want as long as you can prove it with actual evidence and not nonsensical speculation. Somewhere along the way, we have made this look like a bad thing when it's actually quite good. 

    Today I was watching some podcasts and looking at some news regarding what has come out in the last couple of weeks regarding the gain of function testing that is happening at Boston University in OUR OWN COUNTRY. If you have lived in a bubble, you may not realize that this is the testing that was happening in the Wuhan lab and escaped to cause the Covid 19 pandemic. If you only watch the initial news on something and never follow up with the evidence, you may not realize this actually has been proven now. 

    Let me side step a second and say that this one issue was used as a political weapon in so many ways. Sadly, it caused a riff in many families as well, all in the name of winning in politics. I'm not saying it wasn't important because it most certainly was. You're talking to a person who was greatly affected by it. Not only did I get it, but tons of my students did. My dad lived with me so that I could get him to and from his treatments at UAB, and we were very particular about how we handled it-spraying groceries, requiring masks, cleaning in excess, and much more. But also, the shutdown was the most likely thing to cause his death than the virus because he couldn't start the trial that he needed to survive. You're talking to a teacher who saw the effects of the decline of mental health and actual learning for tons of high school students. I get both sides.

    Now, I'm going to summarize some things, but I am also going to leave you with all of the links to SOME of the research I found. I'm doing that to make it easier for people to see the truth if you don't want to find it yourself. I can't attach them to a post because it will surely get flagged, as Google and FB have since admitted things were taken off that probably shouldn't have been. I just want you to see both sides. Come up with your own conclusions. 

For it to all make sense, you have to know the background. Here are some truths I found (links below): 

• Anthony Fauci is a member/leader of the NIH and NIAID. 
• Gain of function research is controversial because some say it can prepare us for how to fight pandemics in the future: some say that the benefits are not great enough to risk it getting out and infecting people.
• When called before the senate, Fauci argued that the US government, and NIH, was not involved in gain of function testing, especially in Wuhan. 
• The NIH came out with a statement to that fact.
• Later they released a statement admitting the US involvement in the Wuhan lab's gain of function testing. 
• The same people, the NIH and others like Google, Gates Foundation, and many more, are now funding EcoHealth Alliance who partnered with Boston University to research more SARS viruses (Covid, gain of function testing). 
• They just released something saying the new variant they created to study seems to have an 80% kill rate on humanized mice. 

You can certainly take away something differnt from me, but I take away this: 

The government employs people that lie. Most of those people are in government positions that allow them to stay even if there is a party change which is concerning to me because I did not vote them in. Fauci had too much power because he allowed the testing that created the virus that unleashed on the Chinese and was spread to the world. Now, after he and our Department of Human Services promised to close anything like that down, the government and Fauci's ties gave more money to the same people who caused the Wuhan debacle, only they are now doing it in Boston. Search for yourself. 

Anthony S. Fauci, M.D. | NIH: National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases

What is 'gain-of-function' and why does it matter in the search for SARS-CoV-2's origins? (phys.org)

Statement on misinformation about NIH support of specific “gain-of-function” research | National Institutes of Health (NIH)

'If anybody is lying here, senator, it is you,' Fauci tells Sen. Paul in heated exchange at Senate hearing (cnbc.com)

NIH admits US funded gain-of-function research in Wuhan (nypost.com)

Fauci’s agency admits it funded gain-of-function work in Wuhan: What else are they keeping from us? (nypost.com)

Deadlier Omicron COVID Made by Boston University Researchers Is Not as Bad as You Think (thedailybeast.com) (very left-leaning, just FYI if you don't know)

Boston University COVID Research Could Lead to ‘Important’ Revelations, Doctors Say – NECN

Surprise! EcoHealth Landed $1 Million Grant To Work With ‘80% Mouse Death’ Boston University On ‘Future Pandemic Prevention’ – NewsWars

EcoHealth Alliance and Boston University Awarded $1 Million to Predict and Prevent Future Pandemics - EcoHealth Alliance

Gain-Of-Function Research: The EcoHealth Alliance Intelligence Collection Scam | UncoverDC

A Year Without You

 It's been a year. One whole year has passed since the Lord took you home. 

A year of remembering you every day, of sad thoughts, of great memories, of picking up the phone to call you, of trying to take care of family, of watching Alabama football, of taking trips, of telling stories, of watching your shows, of loving Mama, of worrying about your grandkids, of laughing over stupid things, of Easter, July 4th, birthdays, and all the things. 

It's trying to keep all of the promises-the traditions, the holidays, the family stuff-all of the things you asked me to continue because you wanted the people in your life to stay together. It's taking care of Mama and doing the hard things, the fun things, and the scary things. 

It's the Christmas season that you adored because you got to have time with your people and do the fun gifts in a way that only you can do them. It's the living up to who you were and who you will always be to so many people. 

With my whole heart, I love and miss you, Daddy. We're just plugging along and doing our best. Thanks you for the legacy you left us. 

Winning for My Daddy

Nostalgia. It's a crazy thing, ya' know? Weirdly, one of my favorite songs isn't really a song but an advice column put to music. Baz Luhrman put the words of an advice column (Dear Abby, I think) to music and shared it for the class of 1997, calling it Wear Suncscreen. One of several favorite parts read like this: 

Be careful whose advice you buy but be patient with those who supply it
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past
From the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts
And recycling it for more than it's worth

I count myself blessed that I grew up appreciating the stories of my elders. Maybe it's they way they told them since we have so many storytellers in our family, but I never tired of hearing them. As a matter of fact, I can recount many of them now. 

My daddy was the best at this, not because he spoke eloquently told because that wasn't a thing. He was never known for his fancy word choices. Instead, I remember how his face would show what kind of story it was going to be. When he told stories of his dad, he had a look of sweet sorry, loving the memory and missing the man. When he told stories about the antics of his brother, Jerry-a.k.a. Cotton, or his sister handling things when she got angry, his eyes laughed before he finished his punchline. When he told stories of his Hueytown boys, it was another thing altogether, full of joy and nostalgia. 

I remember loving to hear his stories but doubting his account was completely accurate because it often had to do with his athletic prowess, his short temper and what he did about it, or something like that. When I got older and began to know some of those friends of his, I quickly learned that his telling lined up with theirs. He really was that good at punting, running, hitting, etc. He LOVED recounting the 1958 Hueytown High School football season, telling how it was the first all-win season in school history and how they won the championship, explaining that the Dental Clinic game was as far as they went in those days. It was later that the state playoffs were instituted. (*See below for the yearbook's description of said game.)

When Jameis Winston and his Hueytown team won regular game in their season (2010 maybe?), the old boys came back and went to cheer on their beloved Golden Gophers. I think there was a mixture of sadness and delight in the possibility of their record being broken. 

For my daddy, there were always 6 great loves: the Lord, my mama, the rest of us in the family, his gophers, Alabama football, and the Braves. When the Braves won the World Series earlier this year, I watched with tears of joy as I visualized Pop and Cotton talking on the phone every time something big happened, and later the phone calls with Uncle Jerry's son, Blake, doing the same. He was fired up about Bryce Young and the possibilities of this year so he would be happy with the winning season so far, although he wouldn't be all compliments because he'd be mad that Bryce keeps staying in the pocket for too long and taking sacks-but that's another story. Now, his Hueytown has made it all the way to the big show. 

I know it may seem silly to some, but this kind of stuff is nostalgic for me. It is time with my daddy all over again, time that I miss but refuse to give up as I bring him with me to every game I watch. I'm going to believe that all this winning is for my daddy. My friend Jennifer touched my heart when she said, "I have no doubt that Alabama and the Braves both winning this year, and now Hueytown headed to state is because of your dad." A friend that remembers those things about your daddy is pretty sweet. We'll see how it all plays out, whether Alabama makes it to the Big Show this time and how they do or whether Hueytown can pull off the upset against Clay-Chalkville. No pressure, guys. Just keep on winning for daddy!

*the run down of the Dental Clinic game, 1958...

Hueytown 7 — Fairfield 0 After the I I th Children's Dental Clinic Game there was no room for doubt in the minds of the people of Jefferson County as to who wos the supreme ruler of high school football. The Hueytown Golden Gophers saw to this os they measured the Fairfield Tigers for the second time this season. It was a rugged defensive battle all the way. but Hueytown's Wilson just would not be stopped without a score. In the second period he took a handoff from Mason and bulled his way 40 yards for the gome's lone score. Wilson received the same fine blocking on this play as he did all year. After Beard passed to Wilson for the PAT. things were handed over to the Gopher defense and could not hove been in better hands. In the line the boys’ hearts were big and their tackling sure. Nabors. Fleming, Wallace. Guin. Justice. Beard, and Leslie teamed mightily with Lee, Mason and Wilson in allowing Fairfield only 73 rushing yards. In the closing minutes of the game Wadsworth halted a Tiger drive with a pass interception and returned it to the 39. The game ended here, giving Hueytown one of its sweetest victories, and also Dental Clinic Championship Trophy pictured at right.

Remembering 9/11

When tragedy strikes, whether it is on a personal or national level, time stands still, and you remember the tiniest of details that seem so insignificant. That moment freezes, suspending itself in air like a seagull caught in a gust of wind. The day started beautifully, and my students worked outside on a project since my room backed up against the courtyard. I could lift the massive windows and manage those who wanted to work in or outside. Another teacher walked by and told me to turn on the TV so I did, realizing by the look on her face that I should prepare myself for what I would see. 

I know that after 20 years I'm bound to forget some details because, well, I'm getting older. What I know for sure is the confusion I felt when I saw the screen. It had not been so long ago that we took a lot of kiddos on a field trip to NYC and taken pictures with the towers all in them. It seemed impossible, and yet I saw it with my own eyes. 

Students stopped to watch, and I realized that one of my babies had a dad who was at the Pentagon. Fear overcame us both, and the rest of my students did not understand or know how to feel or react. It dawned on me that I was the adult in the room, and my students looked at me to know what to do or how to react. That's a pretty sobering fact, especially since all I really wanted to do was leave and go hold my own little girl. I did the only thing I knew how to do at that moment, and that was to be honest with my kids and to pray. I told them that I, too, was afraid and confused and didn't know what was happening. All I knew was that it was not a surprise to God so it seemed best to pray and ask Him to protect people. 

Over the following days and weeks, life changed for America. I tried to keep my student in tune with that by continuing to talk about it and what was happening with the recovery. We talked about how amazingly well Americans worked together to help New York and how we came together to encourage and pray for our President and military as they went after the enemy. Politics didn't matter, and neither did age nor gender nor home state nor income nor race. We said we would never forget. We said we would always remember. We said that America worked better when she was unified. 

When I stand in my classroom these days, it is a very different place. In some ways, it's better. In other ways, it's not. America no longer remembers September 12th, not as a whole. There are some of us who do, who are still fighting for freedom, for each other, and for those who cannot fight for themselves. Some Americans are going after those left behind in Afghanistan, even though our government left them. Some Americans are contributing to causes that promote who we are as Americans and what we have always stood for. Some of us refuse to go over the cliff with the rest of our country in the madness in which we find ourselves. 

My prayer is that our nation will wake up and put politics aside to heal the wounds that have been created to divide us. My prayer is that we will realize that we must wake up and fight the good fight so that our kids can live in a free society where God is first and we love our neighbors as we love ourselves. 

This photo is one from our trip before the fall of the twin towers. You can barely see them in the background, but I remember them clearly. I remember America and who she was on September 12th. 

May we all do better and honor the memory of those who died on that fateful day 20 years ago. 

My Truth and My 50th Birthday

How well do you know anybody these days? In the days of social media and less real-life communications, can you say you the person rather than the facade? I started thinking about this at the end of my birthday when I originally wanted to post the following: Thanks for the posts. I needed them because today really stunk. Then I thought, I am not really in the mood to hear a pep talk because I'm just feeling some kind of way and will be over it soon so I posted nothing.

I began to realize that we are so used to seeing only the great part of people's lives because who actually puts bad stuff? I'm pretty much what you see is true, but I must add that I also don't let everyone see all of me. I don't know why I felt the need to change that, but I wrote this explanation. If you read it, I hope you'll understand from where I'm coming. If you don't, cool. 

In a world where we questioning and truth no longer seem to matter, let me say that things aren't always what they seem. I will tell you my struggles and my heart in an effort to do away with pretense so I'm going to tell you my "secrets".

What most people see-I'm a person who will try most anything. I have a rule that I must go somewhere different and try something that makes me uncomfortable each year. I've parasailed, flown in a helicopter, and ridden in a hot air balloon across the Rio Grande Valley. I've done most things on my bucket list. 

The truth behind it-I'm terrified way more than I am calm. I made the rule because I started life with so much fear, causing more regrets than I could count. I threw up and got sick before I did any of it. I'm scared of heights, scared of being out of control, and scared of failure. I'm scared a lot.

What most people see- I'm chatty, and I'll be the first person speak to a stranger and ask a question. 

The truth behind it-I'm an introvert who gets nervous or sick anytime I walk into a crowd, including church, faculty meetings, parties, you name it. I don't speak in front of crowds. When I cannot get out of it, I do it because I need to keep my job and not be a hermit.

What most people see-I'm a person who is fiercely independent. I don't like to ask for help. I handle my own and take care of those for whom I care the most. 

The truth behind it-I need people. The past wreaked havoc on my trust. Many have broken my heart by leaving my life as easily as they came. I have depended on someone who dropped the ball rather than fulfilled their job and ended up having to kill myself to fix it. Rather than face that fear, I just "don't need people". 

What most people see-I'm a strong woman who powers through hard times and comes out on the other side a bit tougher than I began. 

The truth behind it-I'm a runner whose first thought is get me out of here. I don't like to face things so I go away and hope it handles itself. (Spoiler alert: It rarely does.) 

What most people see-I'm a believer in the fact that God is in control, and He knows what's best. 

The truth behind it-I am the biggest of sinners, and I fail at this every single day. I DO know that He is in control and knows what's best; however, my actions do not always jive with that idea. That is why I pray but have to fight the urge to fix it my way. It is a constant battle. 

Although I constantly challenge myself, it has gotten no easier. It's terrifying that I can not navigate the outcome of everything, yet I'm glad because He really does know better than me-PTL. I could genuinely stay in my house and read a good book forever. I have learned that my regrets most often involve the things I was too scared to try so I FORCE myself to take the first step and pray through it. I'm clear that people are human nor are they me so they will not do everything as I would. That's a blessing. Learning from those around me makes me a better human. I can't do everything myself so I've realized that I can control only myself. I answer only to Him. I've learned that I have to run a minute to clear my head and process, but now I come back and face the challenges because He will make a way. Many times He will do it through people that I didn't know I needed and who chose to be there for me even when I didn't make it easy. Most importantly, I've come to realize that God made me who I am for a reason. I am confident in that even when I am not sure of myself. 

It's okay to not be okay, but it's not okay to dig down into the mire and stay there. He will help me out of it, walk me through it, and use me for it so I hope you will understand why I needed to say the following: 

I am that one crazy person who gets really excited about a birthday. I woke up wanting to see what my 50th had in store for me. Truthfully, it was a terrible, awful, sad, and lonely day. I missed my daddy so much I could have cried for days. I am trying to love on my mama during a time that is hard for all of us. My heart felt a bit shattered by someone who I expected to do better. It was one thing after another and not at all what I wanted or expected; however, I walked into the house to a husband that loves me and knew what to do and a puppy to cuddle me through the yucky. As I sat in my pity party, unable to answer a call or do a thing, I could say this: I was blessed with a family that was meant for me, and I learned so much from my pop about how to be a good person. I asked for a summer of time with those I love, experiencing life together. For the most part I have done so, and I am so very grateful. 

My last thought for the day goes along with my realization of making 50 count. Life is short. Count your blessings. Love your people. Thank the savior. 

I'm attaching pictures of my birthday a year ago. It made me sad for a moment, but then I realized how lucky I was to get to do this life with these parents. 

Making 50 Count

When I was a little girl, I thought fifty was SO old. Now I think to myself, "When did that much time pass?!" My brain doesn't feel fifty (technically I still have a month to go), but oh how my body does. Whew. I should have listened when they said to take good care of it. Aging is no joke! 

I'm one of those odd ducks who finds happiness in birthdays. I look back over my life, and that of my family, and I'm just thankful the Lord has blessed me with another year of life so I CELEBRATE. I adore birthdays, and I do my best to make them special for people because they are the only days that are just about them.  

The last year or two created adversity for everyone, and our family did not escape the reality of Covid, death, disease, or anything else that came our way. Pain and suffering are part of life, and it stinks-truly. It would be easy to build up a wall in an effort to keep it out; however, that same wall keeps out the good things as well. That's just not the plan God has for any of us. He uses it all for His glory and our good. We've seen that so many times in our family, and I'm thankful for those blessings. 

A long time ago I made a rule to do something from my bucket list, visit somewhere new, and try something different every year. It was a great rule, and it has pushed me out of my comfort zone. I highly recommend it. One item on my bucket list is to hit all 50 states by the time I'm 60. I'm working on that list a lot this summer. In the process, I'm spending time with my people and getting together with those I haven't seen in a while. Life is too short to waste time or to have regrets. I have never regretted the things I have done quite like those I've been afraid to try-whether it's the fear of failure, of not having enough money, or doing something uncomfortable. 

So far, I have visited with my college peeps and sang my heart out as we relived old times, picked strawberries with the grandkids, swam and played in the lake with them, let the kids paint all over the walls in the house so I'd be forced to repaint it, redocorated (and again), taken care of my mama when she was sick, played with the dogs a lot, and drove to Minnesota to see my first baby get married to the love of his life and meet tons of new friends there. While there I got to party it up at such a fun wedding, visit St. Paul, and spend extra time with one of my favorite people. I stopped at the Field of Dreams in Iowa and "ran across" to Indianapolis to meet up with my girl, Lil Beth:), enjoying fabulous food, cool sites, and better company. 

I tell you all of that because along the way I find so many people that tell me a hundred reasons why they can't do this or that. Yes, it can be difficult to make some things work; however, you do what you really want to do. The people in your life are worth it. The memories are irreplaceable. Expanding your circle of life is incredible. Life really is too short. I have known this for a long time, but this year has reminded me again. Don't put it off. Make it count.