How well do you know anybody these days? In the days of social media and less real-life communications, can you say you the person rather than the facade? I started thinking about this at the end of my birthday when I originally wanted to post the following: Thanks for the posts. I needed them because today really stunk. Then I thought, I am not really in the mood to hear a pep talk because I'm just feeling some kind of way and will be over it soon so I posted nothing.
I began to realize that we are so used to seeing only the great part of people's lives because who actually puts bad stuff? I'm pretty much what you see is true, but I must add that I also don't let everyone see all of me. I don't know why I felt the need to change that, but I wrote this explanation. If you read it, I hope you'll understand from where I'm coming. If you don't, cool.
In a world where we questioning and truth no longer seem to matter, let me say that things aren't always what they seem. I will tell you my struggles and my heart in an effort to do away with pretense so I'm going to tell you my "secrets".
What most people see-I'm a person who will try most anything. I have a rule that I must go somewhere different and try something that makes me uncomfortable each year. I've parasailed, flown in a helicopter, and ridden in a hot air balloon across the Rio Grande Valley. I've done most things on my bucket list.
The truth behind it-I'm terrified way more than I am calm. I made the rule because I started life with so much fear, causing more regrets than I could count. I threw up and got sick before I did any of it. I'm scared of heights, scared of being out of control, and scared of failure. I'm scared a lot.
What most people see- I'm chatty, and I'll be the first person speak to a stranger and ask a question.
The truth behind it-I'm an introvert who gets nervous or sick anytime I walk into a crowd, including church, faculty meetings, parties, you name it. I don't speak in front of crowds. When I cannot get out of it, I do it because I need to keep my job and not be a hermit.
What most people see-I'm a person who is fiercely independent. I don't like to ask for help. I handle my own and take care of those for whom I care the most.
The truth behind it-I need people. The past wreaked havoc on my trust. Many have broken my heart by leaving my life as easily as they came. I have depended on someone who dropped the ball rather than fulfilled their job and ended up having to kill myself to fix it. Rather than face that fear, I just "don't need people".
What most people see-I'm a strong woman who powers through hard times and comes out on the other side a bit tougher than I began.
The truth behind it-I'm a runner whose first thought is get me out of here. I don't like to face things so I go away and hope it handles itself. (Spoiler alert: It rarely does.)
What most people see-I'm a believer in the fact that God is in control, and He knows what's best.
The truth behind it-I am the biggest of sinners, and I fail at this every single day. I DO know that He is in control and knows what's best; however, my actions do not always jive with that idea. That is why I pray but have to fight the urge to fix it my way. It is a constant battle.
Although I constantly challenge myself, it has gotten no easier. It's terrifying that I can not navigate the outcome of everything, yet I'm glad because He really does know better than me-PTL. I could genuinely stay in my house and read a good book forever. I have learned that my regrets most often involve the things I was too scared to try so I FORCE myself to take the first step and pray through it. I'm clear that people are human nor are they me so they will not do everything as I would. That's a blessing. Learning from those around me makes me a better human. I can't do everything myself so I've realized that I can control only myself. I answer only to Him. I've learned that I have to run a minute to clear my head and process, but now I come back and face the challenges because He will make a way. Many times He will do it through people that I didn't know I needed and who chose to be there for me even when I didn't make it easy. Most importantly, I've come to realize that God made me who I am for a reason. I am confident in that even when I am not sure of myself.
It's okay to not be okay, but it's not okay to dig down into the mire and stay there. He will help me out of it, walk me through it, and use me for it so I hope you will understand why I needed to say the following:
I am that one crazy person who gets really excited about a birthday. I woke up wanting to see what my 50th had in store for me. Truthfully, it was a terrible, awful, sad, and lonely day. I missed my daddy so much I could have cried for days. I am trying to love on my mama during a time that is hard for all of us. My heart felt a bit shattered by someone who I expected to do better. It was one thing after another and not at all what I wanted or expected; however, I walked into the house to a husband that loves me and knew what to do and a puppy to cuddle me through the yucky. As I sat in my pity party, unable to answer a call or do a thing, I could say this: I was blessed with a family that was meant for me, and I learned so much from my pop about how to be a good person. I asked for a summer of time with those I love, experiencing life together. For the most part I have done so, and I am so very grateful.
My last thought for the day goes along with my realization of making 50 count. Life is short. Count your blessings. Love your people. Thank the savior.
I'm attaching pictures of my birthday a year ago. It made me sad for a moment, but then I realized how lucky I was to get to do this life with these parents.
